Ive got my thinking cap on

Another weekend with good old me and another weekend fighting back the tears of loneliness that I feel through each one. During the weekends of no work, no grad class paper, and no loved one to spend the time with really requires me to put on my thinking cap and get the hell through it. Now you might say to yourself hmmm that sounds nice to have a peaceful weekend to relax without someone telling you what he/she would like to do. Well when you get to spend each and every other week day with just your own thoughts and your busy schedule, a weekend alone is the least desirable. The one positive to all of this is the time I do have to analyze what is really important in my life. It sure as hell is my family, my friends who could live close by me if I chose a different place to live, a cute guy that I'd prefer to see everyday, rather than every other weekend, and possibly even a place to go outside or in a small town that I enjoy visiting. All of these things ring the word "home" to me and I feel like I don't even have one of them to escape with.

Now it was my choice to move and start work right away, but could I have waited and lived off my parents...no probably not. I needed to work as soon as possible to get my life started a.k.a. Pay my bills. Which I'm thankful for...I appreciate more and I know how tough life can really be...no surprises for me. But as I think about these past choices I think to myself now and ask:"why am I choosing to stay put and stop changing my situation for the better? Why have I stopped making a choice?" If you're not happy, change it. Right?! Well this is when I begin to make excuses for myself...is life really that awful, are you really that unhappy, can you just pick up and go somewhere else? I answer yes to each of those questions. So what the hell am I still doing here? I honestly think I've been waiting on a miracle, something to tell me that it's the right time! But how do I really know. I'm scared a drastic change will cause problems and upset. What do I do? I'm truelly unhappy but terrified about what is behind door number 1. What can I finally do in order to live a "happy" life?